ISIS threatens to “boil the planet”

CANBERRA – ISIS has thrown down the gauntlet in response to Australia’s involvement in Iraq, threatening to “boil the planet” if Australian forces take military action in the Middle East.

The threats were made as part of a video broadcast online and shared on Al-Jazeera, in which Abu Mohammad al-Adnani, one of ISIS’ most fiery spokespeople, described the damages that would be inflicted upon the west.

“Your fields will lie barren and empty. Your forests will burn and disappear in smoke. Torrents of rain will flood your cities, even as tropical diseases sap your will to fight. And as for the Great Barrier Reef? She won’t be right.”

"GISS temperature 2000-09 lrg" by NASA images by Robert Simmon, based on data from the Goddard Institute for Space Studies. - NASA Earth Observatory Image of the Day: 2009 Ends Warmest Decade on Record http://earthobservatory.nasa.gov/IOTD/view.php?id=42392. Licensed under Public domain via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:GISS_temperature_2000-09_lrg.png#mediaviewer/File:GISS_temperature_2000-09_lrg.png

Possible impacts of ISIS’ “boiling” tactic. (NASA images by Robert Simmon)

Vast “Boil Industry” already established
Specialists in terror and the Middle East have already verified the severity of the threat, pointing to ISIS’ covert construction of a “boil industry” crossing the entire globe. Under the guise of ordinary commerce, ISIS has established “boil derricks” with which it extracts a dangerous, highly-reactive fuel, “boil refineries”, which function like nuclear centrifuges to increase the potency of the fuel, and “boil tycoons”, charismatic splinter cells who have manipulated Western markets to unwittingly involve them in the plot.

An artist's impression of one of the shady "boil tycoons".

An artist’s impression of one of the shady “boil tycoons”.

“What we see here is a threat so insidious that nobody could have seen it coming,” said Professor Buckley, from the University of Melbourne’s Strategic Studies Institute. “Whether the scientific basis of ISIS’ claim is sound – and let’s hope one of those countries with a Science Minister can help us out on this one – this represents a new front in the war in terror.”

“A diabolical threat to our way of life.”
Speaking yesterday, Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott responded to the threats.

“We know that ISIS has been funded through wealth obtained through the oil industry. What we didn’t realise is that they have been fiendishly using this oil to alter the very composition of our atmosphere. To seek to profit by messing with the stable climate that has made human civilisation possible – this truly is the work of a death cult.”

“While we’re shocked by ISIS’ gruesome beheadings, this latest gesture is truly wicked. Their intention to “boil the planet” poses a threat to every man, housewife, and child in this country and this world, for generations to come.”

“We simply can’t let a threat like this go unaddressed. Now that we’re done with repealing the carbon tax, abolishing the climate commission, propping up fossil fuels, building more roads, and attacking renewable energy, we can finally focus on engaging with this new, diabolical threat to our way of life.”

Prime Minister Abbott committed to escalating Australia’s commitment in Iraq; a first priority will be securing supply lines to fuel combat vehicles.

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